I am bubble girl

Motivation, motivation!  Wherefore art thou, motivation!  Seriously, though, dude!  What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life right now?!?!  I am raising 2 amazing little people and so far I’ve managed to keep them alive while making them into thoughtful and well mannered individuals.  That most definitely counts for something!  I’m really not discounting myself.  I know my “job” is quite important and that those two little dudes need the hell out of me.  I love being their mommy, but that’s not all there is to life for me.  I’ve written about this before, so no need to go too far into it.  For some women, being a mother is their ultimate dream and that’s all they have ever wanted.  Nothing else even matters and any other options pale in comparison.  I admire, respect and adore those women!  Being a mother is the single most important thing I have EVER done and likely will ever do on this planet!  But for me, I need self fulfillment.  I have to have something that defines me as a person, outside of being a mother.  An identity, if you will. 

This leads me to my lack of motivation.  This is quite difficult to admit, but you know what, life ain’t fucking easy, so I’m just gonna go ahead and own up to my shit!  I am lazy.  There’s no if, ands or buts about it.  I have fallen into a rut of complete and utter laziness.  I have tried several things to get out of it, but ultimately, I know what’s going to work.  I’m just scared to death to do it.  Leaving Lala Land and heading out into the real world.  I can’t be bubble girl forever.  I honest to God feel like I have forgotten how to talk and carry on a conversation with adults.  Adults that I don’t know anyway.  I feel like a child with a stranger/danger complex.  I see a stranger coming towards me and I immediately want to run!  WTF?!  I mean come on!  In my head, I’m screaming at myself to just GET IT TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!  Sometimes my pep talks work, other times I end up in my car crying popping Ativan pills like candy!  Ahh the joys of social anxiety.  #empathlife

So in order to overcome my fear of people, I need to face it.  I can’t live life like a goddamn hermit forever.  At some point or another, I must learn to live again.  Finding a career is a good start.  I have found an IDEA of something I’d love to do, but there again, (to quote Greenday) “where is my inspiration?”  My idea is web development and design.  It’s quite overwhelming, but what isn’t when you’re first starting, ya know?  I study code here and there.  And I’ve researched how to get started in the career.  I enjoy writing code and reading it.  I’m a complete novice geek, though.  Hence my shitty ass blogger page!!!!!  Hahahaha!  Once I learn a few things, I’ll work on building my own site.  Goddamnit I’m all talk!  I am going to end this now, because talking about this shit isn’t going to get me anywhere.  I’ll keep y’all posted, though!

My body and how I learned to LOVE it!

I haven’t done this blogging thing in a while, so it feels kind of funny to be back at it.  It’s like, where do I start?  I suppose I’ll start with what inspired me to write again.  One of my best friends and a wonderful person told me about a documentary on Netflix and she told me I just HAD to see it and that every woman and girl should watch it.  Now, I’m not a person who will just sit and watch a movie.  There’s no cable in my house by choice. 

So when my friend told me about what this documentary was about, I was like, I really should watch this.  Well let me tell you, within the first 20 minutes, I was crying!  It was just moving in so many ways.  The documentary is called “Embrace” and I must say, it had a major impact on me.  “Embrace” is the story of a woman and her quest to help women all over the world feel more confident about their bodies.  It was SUCH a good movie!  What started the waterworks for me was when she talked to random women out in public and she asked them to describe their bodies and how they felt.  Most of them described themselves as “disgusting.”  This absolutely broke my heart and made me sadder than I can express.  It hit home.  I now want to tell you my story.  I’ll end this segment by saying this, PLEASE watch this movie.  It just might change your life!

My yo-yo story from a young woman to a thirty something

What I’m about to share isn’t going to be easy.  Starting from the beginning!  High school…I was 5’5 and 99lbs and VERY fit due to all of the physical actives I was a part of.  After high school, I went to college and I started taking jazz, hip hop and ballet dance classes.  I also got a very fulfilling job at an all women’s gym doing orientations and setting up beginning workouts for new members and really helping these women.  During that time I was also quite fit, but unhealthily so.  I had less than 10% body fat and I ate like shit and did not take care of myself.  I was sick quite often because of it. 

From age 22 through 26 I pretty much yo-yo’d between around 120lbs and around 140lbs.  I always bounced back really quickly though because I was in my fucking 20’s.  I hate 20 something me for that!  Haha!

The following year at age 27, my weight was around 137 and I got pregnant with my oldest son.  I loved my pregnant body!!  As my belly grew, I just felt sexy and confident!  I wore bikinis and form fitting clothes to accentuate my beautiful baby bump!  I gained 23lbs during my pregnancy and lost 32lbs within 3 weeks of giving birth putting me at 128!  But, when I looked in the mirror, I was thin and flabby.  I didn’t see the toned body I was used to seeing.  It made me sad, but I still felt ok about my body.  I stayed fairly thin up until my son was 2.  That was the year I turned 30 and you know what they say about weight gain in women after 30.  My weight went up and up.  I was 150lbs before I knew it.  I stayed there for a while.  When my son was 3, I vowed to get in shape and I did it!  I lost 20lbs and felt great!  Then I gained it all back and then some. 

Five years after giving birth to my oldest son, at age 33, I gave birth to my youngest son.  I started my pregnancy at 153lbs, which was devastating, but I REALLY wanted another baby.  I gained all of 11lbs during my pregnancy with my youngest!  Again, during  pregnancy, I felt very sexy and confident.  My husband and I both enjoyed this regained confidence of mine!  *wink wink*   At the end my pregnancy I was at 164lbs.  By 3 months post partum, I was down to 147.  I was ecstatic!  I hadn’t seen my weight under 150 in 2 years or more!  I did well during my youngest son’s first year of life with my weight.  After he turned 1 and the holidays rolled around, things went downhill.  I got up to my heaviest weight EVER at 163lbs!  It was devastating and at that point, I knew something had to change. 

In conclusion and most importantly…

My first decision was that I needed to LOVE.  MY.  BODY.  No matter what.  I decided that I was beautiful and sexy and that I had a lot to offer this world, my husband and my children!  I ended up being asked to model with an alternative modeling group and I did my first shoot with them that November at 163lbs.  I did my best to hide it, but I felt good enough to be confident in front of the camera and I was very proud of myself for that!  Six months later (in the NOW), I am down 17lbs!  I began taking healthy, all natural supplements and I stopped worrying about my weight so much and all of a sudden, it just started melting off!  My goal was to feel comfortable in a bikini this coming summer.  Although that’s still a goal of mine, it’s not my priority.  My main goal is to just be happy and healthy!!!!! AND…  To love my body unconditionally!

“Embrace” made me realize that I’m on the right path and that I can help other women to get to the point that I have finally made it to!  Even if my efforts only make it as far as my friends, I’ve made a difference!  If I can go beyond that goal of helping friends, that would be amazing!!!