I am bubble girl

Motivation, motivation!  Wherefore art thou, motivation!  Seriously, though, dude!  What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life right now?!?!  I am raising 2 amazing little people and so far I’ve managed to keep them alive while making them into thoughtful and well mannered individuals.  That most definitely counts for something!  I’m really not discounting myself.  I know my “job” is quite important and that those two little dudes need the hell out of me.  I love being their mommy, but that’s not all there is to life for me.  I’ve written about this before, so no need to go too far into it.  For some women, being a mother is their ultimate dream and that’s all they have ever wanted.  Nothing else even matters and any other options pale in comparison.  I admire, respect and adore those women!  Being a mother is the single most important thing I have EVER done and likely will ever do on this planet!  But for me, I need self fulfillment.  I have to have something that defines me as a person, outside of being a mother.  An identity, if you will. 

This leads me to my lack of motivation.  This is quite difficult to admit, but you know what, life ain’t fucking easy, so I’m just gonna go ahead and own up to my shit!  I am lazy.  There’s no if, ands or buts about it.  I have fallen into a rut of complete and utter laziness.  I have tried several things to get out of it, but ultimately, I know what’s going to work.  I’m just scared to death to do it.  Leaving Lala Land and heading out into the real world.  I can’t be bubble girl forever.  I honest to God feel like I have forgotten how to talk and carry on a conversation with adults.  Adults that I don’t know anyway.  I feel like a child with a stranger/danger complex.  I see a stranger coming towards me and I immediately want to run!  WTF?!  I mean come on!  In my head, I’m screaming at myself to just GET IT TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!  Sometimes my pep talks work, other times I end up in my car crying popping Ativan pills like candy!  Ahh the joys of social anxiety.  #empathlife

So in order to overcome my fear of people, I need to face it.  I can’t live life like a goddamn hermit forever.  At some point or another, I must learn to live again.  Finding a career is a good start.  I have found an IDEA of something I’d love to do, but there again, (to quote Greenday) “where is my inspiration?”  My idea is web development and design.  It’s quite overwhelming, but what isn’t when you’re first starting, ya know?  I study code here and there.  And I’ve researched how to get started in the career.  I enjoy writing code and reading it.  I’m a complete novice geek, though.  Hence my shitty ass blogger page!!!!!  Hahahaha!  Once I learn a few things, I’ll work on building my own site.  Goddamnit I’m all talk!  I am going to end this now, because talking about this shit isn’t going to get me anywhere.  I’ll keep y’all posted, though!