Thoughts... on my very first webinar

So I think what I’m going to start with here, instead of picking apart the webinar and telling you what I liked and didn’t like and what my experience was, I’m going to just tell you what I concluded from it.

I AM A DAMN GOOD MOM AND I’M DOING A BANG UP FUCKING JOB WITH MY CHILDREN!  
AND ANYONE WHO HAS ANYTHING OTHERWISE TO SAY CAN SUCK IT! IJS

Now that my tantrum has ended, I’ll tell you a little bit about what brought me to this conclusion.  
Positive reinforcement is what this webinar talked about. I’m not talking shit, but I’m still not
going to tell you who did the webinar.  She was very good at what she does, but I wasn’t really
buying what she was selling. Neither literally nor figuratively. At first I was like, omg, this all
makes so much sense.  But then shortly after I finished typing out my 2 ½ pages of handwritten
notes into an outline to show my husband, I was like, none of this is relevant to our struggles
whatsoever.  The thing about it is that a webinar with the information provided in this one is
extremely general. Not all kids are the same. What works for one doesn’t always work for all.

This woman was selling three different packages to learn her coveted parenting secrets.  I mean
it’s cool and I’m sure some moms (and dads) were out there watching this and crying tears of joy
because they finally found something that works for their kid(s).  That’s great and I am happy for
those parents!!!!! I must say, though, as great as I thought this information was, it just didn’t apply
to me in my life.

Yes I yell.  A lot. But I’m only angry like 45% of the time.  My house is big. Sometimes I yell just
to be heard across the house, or over the TV or over the 200 toys lined up from one side of my
house to the other all going off in song at the same exact fucking time!!!!!!!  I think yelling is just a
thing for me. I must exude authority, so I use my big girl voice! AKA.. “My mom voice”! My boys
are tall. They’re 7 and 2 and they’ll be towering over me in the next 5 years. I NEED to make sure
they’re still scared of me even when they’re 6 inches taller than I am!  Ha ha! But for real, I’m not
playin y’all!!! Ok I’m digressing AGAIN!

In conclusion…  The webinar was cool.  If you’re into that sort of thing.  My kids are good and my
husband and I are great parents.  It took this webinar to make me realize how great we are doing
with our boys.  Everyone has setbacks and downfalls and things that can be improved upon, but
overall, I’m happy with the way my boys are turning out and I could not be more proud to be their
mother!

Next post will discuss my precious and adorable THREE YEAR OLD TERROR!!!!! He’s not quite
3 yet, but close enough for his wrath to be felt!  Let me teeeeeell you!

My Very First Webinar

So I have always been skeptical of “free” webinars.  Like, they have to be selling something right? Yes! They ALWAYS are, but…  is the free part even going to be worthwhile if you know you’re not going to purchase anything?  Well I’m about to find out in t minus 20 minutes. I haven’t written in a while just because it’s been a rough year for me.  I’ve had a lot of depression this year and I have really lost sight of some things. Those things are finally beginning to come back into perspective for me and it really feels good.  I’m watching out for self-sabotage as well, because that shit can creep in and take over before you even realize it. Anyhow.. I digress…..

This webinar in particular is a popular one I’m hearing and I heard about it via a Facebook ad.  

A FB ad huh? Real smart there Sharett! Way to go for the win with a reputable source! Meh…
FB is good for what it’s good for (which in my eyes isn’t much), but sometimes there are good
things that come from there!  I’ve gotten a few shirts from ads on there that have held up
better than my Kohl’s or Target tops ever have! Ha ha!!

It’s a parenting webinar.  Not that I think there’s anything wrong with my own personal parenting skills.
 I just wonder what could be done differently. We have so much information at our fingertips.  Reading
and hearing about others methods can spark inspiration to try things your own way. Everything is
trial and error.  Every parent knows that. What works for some, won’t work worth a damn for
some others. But you never know, you might find an idea that sparks your own personal genius
and changes your life and the lives of your children in ways you never thought possible.  

So I shall report back after the webinar which now begins in 10 minutes!  I’m excited and leery all at
the same time. I’ll give more details on the webinar itself and who it’s run by once I decide whether
that’s information that should be shared or not.  I’ll be honest, if I think it’s garbage, I’ll tell you and
leave out the info just to not talk shit. But if it’s amazing I’ll spill the deets! Pardon any spelling
or grammatical errors here!  I’m typing fast so I can post this before the webinar begins!
I’m 1000% positive I’ll be fixing them later anyway!

I'm freeeeee! Kind of!

The first day of school is upon us (tomorrow), my friends.  And do you know what that means?  FREEDOM!  Well not entirely, but in my case close enough.  Freedom from a little 6 ½ year old little stink in my face all the time telling me he’s bored even though I have the over $200 credit card bill that PROVES that I did more than my fair share to entertain his ungrateful little butt!  He wants to be going going going 24/7 and I get it!  He has boundless amounts of self-replenishing and self-sustaining BOY ENERGY that no mother who has never had boys could ever even begin to find fathomable!  I mean if you had brothers or nephews you helped a lot with, you might get it, but when it’s your own child, it’s a whole ‘nother level of WTFuck-ness! I am 1000% sure that the moms of girls only would have plenty of stories to tell me about girl issues, too!  Our little ones are a hoot one minute, a pain in the neck the next, but they will always be the joy and center of our worlds!

I write this as I sit here still fuming that I could not get B to go to bed for the life of me tonight.  He literally got up 6 times before I chased him with threats and a small amount of profanity back into his room and threatened to ground him the rest of the week if he came out again.  I’ve had peace for the past hour, though, so all is well!  As soon as I lie down and turn on my reiki music and drift off into sleepy sleepy land, I’ll be a-ok!  Till my alarm goes off at 6:30AM!  Ha ha!  This momma here is NOT a morning person!

Where does baby D fall in all of this, you might ask?  Well… He is a handful right now.  He gets into everything and is now, at 21 months, climbing onto the barstools in our kitchen and getting items off of the counter.  Yep, he’s keeping me on my toes.  So it’s not like I’m getting a break from everything.  The difference is that a 21 month old doesn’t get bored!  They find shit to do, whether it’s being good and playing with a toy or watching a short TV show or grabbing everything on the counter he can find and throwing it onto the floor.  Oh and how could I forget the best part!  He likes to get the hand soap and pump it all over the floor and himself, too.  Makes bath time a synch!  

In conclusion, I extend to all of you mommies and daddies with school aged stinkers out there a HAPPY BACK TO SCHOOL salute!  And I have a special message to the stay at home moms (like me) who have had a lot to deal with during the summer.  It’s ok to be happy to be rid of your kid(s) for several hours a day.  Sometimes, absence can make the heart grow fonder.  Send them off with a delicious and healthy lunch, a kiss, a hug and a “have a great day, sweetie” and then breathe.  Just breathe. 

From Super Mom to Psycho Mom

Have you ever had one of those days where you woke up in a great mood and felt like super mom?! Those days are few and far between for me in all honesty. Walking train wreck here!!!!!! Anyway... The difference between a great day and an atrocious day can be as simple as missing a dose of my bipolar meds. I'll talk more in depth about the medication situation in another entry because it's a lot, let me tell ya! So today I woke up and I felt like a million bucks! Ready to take on the world (aka my children)! Haha! So majority of today was fabulous! For starters, little D, my 20 month old, slept till 1pm after going to bed at 8pm last night and sleeping all night. Sounds crazy, right? He's been doing that the past few days in a row, but there's no change in his usual super happy-go-lucky behavior. He just eats more, which leads me to believe he's in a growth spurt! And that's always fantastic! All of us mommies want strong, healthy kids and my little dude is on his way! Soooo prior to D waking up, I was having a blast with my oldest, B. We talked and laughed and made kool-aid pops! My hubs (aka Dad) was here too working from home. So it was a pleasant morning!

Now B is 6 1/2 and going into 1st grade next month. He is a little behind on reading so dad has been working on that with him and I have taken on writing/spelling and somehow ended up doing math with him, too, which is odd. It's odd because I'm ridiculously mathematically challenged! No lie dude! But it would be sad sad sad if I couldn't do 1st grade math, so it's fine! I'll be good to help till right around jr. high, let's say! Well today's writing and reading started off fine. D had just woken up and all was well. I don't know what the hell happened, but I snapped when B wouldn't focus on his work. Now, I am fully aware that he is 6 and his attention span is short. We only work for 20-30 mins at a time. But he was being completely unruly and it completely flipped my 180 switch. I went from feeling like super mom to feeling like that psycho mom who had completely lost her sanity. But let's be honest, in my case, you can't lose something you never had! Haha! For real, though, people! Ok back to me turning into psycho mom. There was yelling and I became soooooo IRRITABLE! I had to find my zen! Breathe in with the positive and out with the negative. And REPEAT! Like 20 times!

So this situation has lead me to brainstorm about what triggered this meltdown. It's not an uncommon feeling for me. Was it mental illness (my bipolar)? Probably. Which, by the way is not EXCLUSIVELY limited to mania (extreme highs) or depression. Severe irritability is a part of the mix also. To quasi-briefly explain my particular bipolar situation, I suffer from type I bipolar disorder and rapid cycling bipolar disorder. Type I previously known as manic depressive disorder is most severe of the 2. With type I, there are periods of mania that for me can last weeks or months as well as depressive phases that can be equally as long, with times of "normalcy" sprinkled in here and there. Rapid cycling is cycling through 2-3 or more drastic mood changes throughout the course of one day. From extreme anger to extreme despair to euphoric happiness, etc. It makes you feel like an absolute nut job that belongs in the damn loony bin!!!!!!!! I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, if I had any. So all of that being said, I have just now come to the conclusion that I am rapid cycling today. Booooo! Pray for me people! I have no clue how this is going to pan out. It hasn't happened in longer than I can remember. Over a year at the very least. I will have some time away from my children tonight, which (theoretically) should work wonders.

I am aware that these types of feelings are not always associated with mental illness, but I am VERY self aware and intuitive. Especially with what's normal as far as my moods go. I feel for anyone who EVER feels this way. We ALL have those psycho mom moments. Some of us more often than others. But we need to support one another through these hard times and empower one another as mothers and more importantly, as women.

Depression with children and bouncing back from it with YOUR super powers

For those of you who haven’t read my blog bio, I am bipolar.  I do not indentify myself by being bipolar, nor have I EVER use it as an excuse for any certain type of behavior.  But it affects me in many many ways.  Being a mom can make things even more complicated.  My mood is somber today and I am doing my best to turn that around.  I have many blessings and things to be grateful for, but I’m only human and we all have our good days and rough days.  But what I’d like to do is share my emotional journey from the past 2 weeks.  I will not recount the reason for my depression, because that’s more personal than I feel I need to get on a blog post, but I will talk about how I dealt with those feeling of depression as a mother and a wife.

I once had a friend who wasn’t a mother and had no desire to be a mother.  She was only 3 years younger than me and she was becoming what I thought to be a good friend.  That fizzled out as quickly as it started.  She said something to me that put her into perspective for me. We were both having a rough day one day with anxiety and whatnot.  She was at work and I was at home with my 2 boys.  We had a small argument via text message and it made me realize that she and I couldn’t be friends.  She (angrily) told me over text that I had things easy being able to have my anxiety in the comfort of my home, while she had to be at work in front of her coworkers.  I was livid.  I told her that she has NO fucking idea what it’s like to raise 2 children who depend on me day in and day out.  I said, I don’t get breaks or vacations or sick days.  And when I have a mental breakdown, I still have to take care of them like nothing is wrong.  I have to be strong for them so that they feel secure and know that everything is ok.  That was the breaking point for me and her.  We tried to mend things after that, but a new friendship can’t take a major blow like that and make it.  So needless to say, I don’t talk to her anymore. 

My point in telling that story was that this chick made me realize how amazing I am.  I deal with a lot and I handle it.  It’s not always easy, but I always handle it.  I feel like most of us mommies don’t give ourselves enough credit for the things we do, because we are so focused on what we didn’t do or what we feel like we could have done better.  And you know what that type of attitude leads to?  Feelings of inadequacy and that’s right, depression.  We all need a reminder at times that we are awesome and that we are capable of whatever we put our minds to.  Do you even realize how powerful your mind is?  We have fucking super powers!!!  All of us!  If you can learn to channel your thoughts, energy and feelings to put all of your focus on exactly what you want, you can manifest miracles.  I wholeheartedly believe that and I have manifested many things in my life that I never thought would come to fruition.  But they did.  And you wanna know why?  It’s because I believed that I deserved it.  

My husband said something profound to me yesterday.  Honestly it wasn’t that profound, but it caused me to have an epiphany.  He said that as much as I talk about the concept of focusing on what one wants as opposed to focusing on what one doesn’t want, I sure do complain a lot about not feeling well.  And he was right.  In the depression funk I was in, I had completely forgotten about that.  In that very moment, I made a decision for myself and for my family that I would be more conscious of how I react to situations and how I choose to feel.  It’s a matter of always choosing happiness over misery.  It’s easier said than done when you’re first bringing ALL of your feelings and thoughts to your conscious mind, but it gets easier as you keep practicing.  As I said before, we’re all human and we will all have our tough days, but don’t dwell on it or wallow in the self pity for too long.  Remind yourself that you’re a bad ass with super powers and that you can handle this shit!!!!!!